Well, another week has flown by and it's time to continue our talk about, "It's Not About Me." Since it's the Valentine's Day season, this blog is going to focus mainly on couples. However, I believe it can also apply to other relationships. It will just have to be adjusted here and there to make more sense.

So, I told you that I had a conversation with my sister-in-law and we decided that selfishness is at the center of most conflicts. There are a few, of course, that are due to health issues which alter a person (ex: brain tumors) and cause problems beyond their control. But those situations are the minority. We want to deal with the majority.

Think back to a recent conflict that you had with your spouse (parents, children, friend, etc.). Be totally honest with yourself. Was someone being selfish? Did you argue because you weren't getting what you wanted? Did you wake up in a bad mood? Or how about this one - did the other person say something that hurt or embarrassed you so you reacted negatively because of that bad feeling? Are you sitting there thinking, "But they..."? Sure, it may have been their fault this time, but is it always their fault? You can't honestly say yes. When you're with a person long enough, they are going to do something wrong and so are you!

So what do you do about it? Get mad and walk away? Try to pretend nothing's wrong? Go tell a third party how horrible your spouse (or other person) is and make them look as bad as you can? How does that sound to you? I'm thinking...selfish!

You can't put the blame on them all the time. Sometimes you have to be the one to say, "I was wrong." Ouch! Sometimes you have to envision yourself in their shoes and think about why they acted the way they did. A little understanding goes a long way. There are even times when it's better to just let them know that you didn't appreciate what they just said or did, but you still love them and are willing to work through it when everyone is a little calmer.

Sounds easy, right? But we both know it's not. There's absolutely nothing easy about a successful relationship. Giving up is the easy way out. It takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage last. The flip side though is this: The more we both put into it, the more we enjoy it! The less selfish we become, the easier it is to overlook those little annoying things that become huge mountains. Because we let go of our own selfish desires, we are able to enjoy the things our spouse enjoys.

Here are a couple of personal examples:

Sonny absolutely loves watching movies. (Of course, they are NOT chick-flicks!) I could have been really selfish during the years and refused to watch anything unless he agreed to watch what I wanted. Instead, I decided a long time ago that I really just wanted to be with him and if he wanted to watch sci-fi or a war movie, that was okay. Movies are his thing. He really enjoys them and that's something I can do with him without making him feel guilty because it's not a chick-flick. (Before you get all down on Sonny, we do occasionally watch a chick-flick without me manipulating him to do it. To be honest with you though, I always end up crying my eyes out and getting a headache, so I prefer watching things that aren't so emotional!)

Sonny's sister, Sandy, shared her story with me. Her husband, David, works hard to provide for their family and has very little time for recreation. He is, however, a huge UK fan. So, when he has the opportunity to watch a game on TV or even go to one of their home games, Sandy wants him to have that time to enjoy something he loves. Sandy, on the other hand, has never been a sports fan. She could get upset every time he wants to watch a game because he's not spending time with her or the kids or he's not working on the house. She could throw a fit whenever he travels to one of their games because it's taking away from family time or it costs too much or takes too much time. She could also refuse to go with him or sit in the livingroom with him while he watches the game because she "hates" sports. But she doesn't. Do you know why? Because she sees the enjoyment that he gets out of it and she enjoys watching him have a good time. She is willing to travel with him an hour to the game, sit with him during the whole game, and travel home an hour, because she gets to spend two hours alone with him plus be with him as he has a good time doing something he really enjoys.

How about you? Are you willing to sacrifice your time and your desires for your spouse? Are you willing to learn to love something new because they enjoy it so much? Are you willing to do something for them that you really don't want to do? Are you willing to hold your tongue when they say or do something that you don't like? Can you overlook those little petty things that, for some reason, have become your pet peeves in order to have a happy marriage? Will you truly give of yourself?

That's what Christ did for us. Do you think He really wanted to suffer the way He did? I don't think so! He did it because He loved us. ("But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8 - NIV)  Do you think He is always happy with the things we do? Absolutely not! There are probably times He wants to give up on us, but He stays.

It's the same thing in marriage. Really give of yourself. Do something that you really don't want to do, but you know it would make your spouse happy! Do something they would not expect. Sandy and I challenge you to do this. We challenge you to change your thinking from, "me, me, me" to "It's NOT about me!"

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:"  Philippians 2:3-5 (NIV)

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